Friday, 24 February 2012

Good Advice is Hard to Come By....

I thought I would post some advice that I have found and learnt over the last few months. Life has a strange way of working, and can creep up on you so that you learn a lot in one swift movement than you do over time. 

Here is some advice that my friend Pooja sent me, from a link she found:

At 25 years old, I found myself with a new title to add to my credentials: divorcee. Long before most of my friends would even say ‘I do’, my fairytale happily ever after was coming to an end.  But I’m a resourceful girl who always lands on her feet.  So in the wake of my marital disaster, I decided to pick myself up by the straps of my Louboutins and build my new happy life.  If there’s one thing I knew I could always stay committed to, it was being effortless classy chic.  But how does one act like a chic divorcee
1. Don’t post about your ex on Facebook or Twitter. 
  • The first thing you need to do is block your ex on all social media.  And if there was any sort of infidelity, block the mistress as well.  Look, this is for your protection.  You do not need to be up at 2am eating everything in your fridge, stalking his page, wondering if his post means he misses you or getting upset because he went to the bar with his friends and isn’t sitting at home being miserable.
  • Do not post pathetic song lyrics showcasing your broken heart or quotes that are giving you strength during this difficult time in your life.  Get a notebook and write that stuff down in there.   Don’t do it in a public forum.  In a few months when you realize how embarrassing you were, you can delete everything from your profile online.  But you can never erase it from the minds of your 200 online friends who read it.  And believe me, they read it.  Nobody wants to be in a car wreck, but we’ll all slow down to see one.
  • Change your password.  You don’t want your ex able to read through your messages or post things.  Even if you don’t think he knows it, just change it.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Best friends are the chicest accessory you can have.  Make a pact with your besties that they should intervene upon seeing any embarrassing behavior
2. Don’t keep sleeping with him.
  • I get it, you’re feeling lonely and emotionally needy and your ex knows how to please you.  And also, a little piece of you is thinking, “If we sleep together we’ll remember how great we were together, we’ll fall back in love, all our problems will fix themselves and everything will be better.”  This will not happen.  The reality is, you will sleep together it will be great and you will start thinking those things and he will not.  And then you’ll be crying in your old bed where you don’t live anymore with your ex-husband who couldn’t make things better in your marriage and can’t say the right things now either.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Late night texts from your ex will definitely derail your quest to cut him off.  So turn off your phone after 10pm.
3. No crying in public.
  • Emotional outbursts in public are never classy or chic.  If your marriage ended very messy, it’s possible you’ve already had one or two (okay, seven) public arguments.  Don’t get stuck with the drama queen label for the rest of your life. If you are feeling overly emotional, stay inside for a movie night.  And if you are out and about and feel an emotional breakdown come on, find a private place or restroom to cry and then find your composure.   Don’t forget to throw your make up bag in your purse before you head out the door so you can touch up your puffy eyes and Rudolph red nose.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  If you’re out with friends and having any sort of alcohol, watch your intake.  One too many margaritas is a perfect recipe for an embarrassing sobfest.
4. Don’t trash him when people ask why you separated.
  • Don’t worry, we all know your ex is a jerk and that it’s really his fault things didn’t work out.  But there’s no need to tell this to your co-worker, realtor and bank teller.  Celebrities and politicians have publicists that help them craft their image after a scandal.  Be your own publicist and decide on your sound bite. Being prepared with a short statement when your divorce comes up will help lessen your embarrassment and awkwardness during the exchange.  Also, it will help keep you on track and away from unloading your baggage onto an unsuspecting acquaintance.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Practice your sound bites in the mirror so you can see what non-verbal cues you give off when speaking.  A large portion of our communication is displayed through actions, so make sure you look comfortable during your delivery.
5. Look in the mirror before you leave the house.
  • With everything that has been going on in your life, you probably haven’t been taking the best care of yourself.  But now’s the time to start.  Before you leave the house to do your grocery shopping, look in the mirror.  Do you feel good about how you look?  Maybe you should throw on some mascara and lipstick before you go.  Or change out of that baggy sweatshirt and put on a simple blouse.  This is for the just-in-cases.  Just in case you run into your ex at the store.   Or just in case that cute guy behind you at the deli counter glances your way.  This is your life.  Now’s the time to take control of it.  Perception is reality.  Make sure people’s reality about you is effortlessly chic.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Taking care of yourself will help you feel good about yourself.  Focus on you, inside and out.
6. Don’t expect your ex’s family to truly be there for you.
  • One of the hardest parts of a divorce is that you lose an entire family.  If your family-in-law is awful, then you will be happy not to have to attend another Sunday dinner.  But if your relationship was good, it can be devastating. Cutting off communication with the family will help you to move forward with your new life and allow your ex to as well. As much as you would love to hear them say how stupid their son was and how much they love you, he is still their son. And think about it, would you want your family to still be in communication with him?  Out of mutual respect, just stay away.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  If you really feel that you need closure with the family, send a card to your in-laws thanking them for having accepted you into their family and letting them know how you cherish the time you’ve spent together.  Then let go.
7. Don’t talk too much about how great your life is now that it’s over.
  • You will get to a point where you realize how much better your life is now that you’re single.  Until you get there, you’ll probably be overly communicative of this point hoping to prove it to everyone you know.  When you’re faking it, everyone will know it.  And even worse, when you mean it people won’t understand.  Live your life and let your actions be what shapes everyone’s understanding of the great place you’re at.
  • Extra Chic Tip: Feeling good about your life is a special gift you can remind yourself of whenever you’re having a rough day.  When insecurity creeps up, tell yourself how great you’re doing, and to keep your spirits up.
8. Don’t keep in contact with your ex just to make sure he knows what he’s missing.
  • It always seems important to people to stay friends with their ex.  With some exceptions (mainly kids) this just seems absurd and unnecessary.  Chances are a little piece of you will never be able to get past needing him to know that he’s missing out on your fabulousness.  You’re too good for those mind games, so let him go.  Move on with your life and spend your time getting to know new guys and showing them what you’re all about.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  It may seem a long time off but one day there will be a new fantastic guy in your life.  Don’t give him a reason to write off your future because it looks like you’re stuck in your past.
9. Pamper yourself.
  • This is a great time for you to get to put you first.  Nurture yourself inside and out.  Are there hobbies that fell to the way side during your marriage?  Have you always wanted to take a cooking class or learn a foreign language?  Then do it!  Being single again gives you an amazing freedom to rebuild your life into exactly what you want.  Figure out who you want to be, and go for it.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Keeping busy will help keep your mind off your mind busy and active.  Too much idle time will leave you a lonely sad sally.
10.  Go out with your friends.
  • If you have good friends by your side, you can get through anything.  They’ve been there for you through the sad times you’ve been having and listened while you cried.  Now let them take you out and have a blast.  A good girls night out is exactly what the doctor ordered.
  • Extra Chic Tip:  Go out even if you feel like staying home.  Being around your friends will bring you back to life.
Remember, life is about the choices you make.  So make your new single life an adventure and don’t forget with a little thought and tact, anyone can be effortless, classy, chic.
Wise words that I should have listened to a lot more than I did. Everyone deserves to feel special and everyone deserves to be loved. 
I hope you all are.

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